Sifting Through Emotions
Just an unstructured and unfiltered inner-monologue.
I get up around the same time most days, usually around 6:30AM. There's something I like about coming down to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee while the world is just starting to wake up. Time feels slower. It's not noisy, but peaceful. These simple things have become a favorite part of my routine. The sound of the coffee machine, the taste of that first sip, clearing out my inbox.
As the sun begins to slowly light up the day, so does my mind with my emotions. I've battled emotional highs and lows for a good portion of my adult life, but fortunately I've had distractions that have helped along the way. Sometimes they were work related, or other times it would be alcohol. Perhaps it was a move to a new town, or planning trips. The distractions are a part of life. Arguably, the distractions are life.
Lately, though, those things have been gone. I don't drink anymore (and haven't for some time), and since going on my entrepreneurial sabbatical, I've found that I have fewer mental outlets. There's no work to plan around, no current trips being planned, or any of the usual life events.
I find that I need to take a moment to close my eyes and take stock of what is actually happening. The moment I'm living is often not justifying the emotions I'm feeling. The moment is far more mundane. It's safe. It's not “future land” where unfounded negative emotions arise. Such is the danger of an idle mind. But I would contend that we need to let our minds go idle. I've learned more about myself in the past few months of inactivity than all the years I spent being busy.
I am doing things like yoga, quieting my mind, and just closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. Furthermore, I'm focusing on being grateful and curious, but also opening myself to receive. What, exactly? I don't know, but just an overall disposition of reception.
I've learned that I am quite capable of love. More than anything, I love my wife. Obviously, I've always known this, but now that I've stripped away all the unnecessary bullshit, I can see with intense clarity the blessing she is in my life. I love our relationship and how it grows and matures as our marriage grows.
I also feel loved, and that's just as important. I never took stock of how it feels to be loved by someone else until I got rid of the noise in my life. To experience love is to experience a level of peace.
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